Hader on Ice

“It’s always something. Either my feet fall asleep. Or they itch. Then I can’t breathe again if I walk faster. Or I break out in a sweat. Then I get cold again. The food doesn’t taste good, the sex is bland, my pants are too tight. What’s that? – It must all be this climate change, right? Temperatures in summer are like in the tropics! All of a sudden there are these huge insects! They didn’t exist before! If they bite you, you get a dipple that doesn’t go away for months! They’re probably all genetically modified. And the plants! They’re already getting stupid. They’re crazy, the plants! They’re overgrowing everything now! Since I’ve never left the house. My theory is that the plants want to take back control of the planet. They’re all connected underground via their roots. Worldwide! The plants have a secret plan. They want the total destruction of Western culture and Austrian folk rock’n’roll. It’s all to be replaced by photosynthesis.”